I didn't ask for this. I didn't even WANT this. But here it is, and it's partly my doing after all, and I have to do something about it, even if doing something actually involves doing absolutely nothing, which is far more terrifying sometimes.

NaNoWriMo is a no-go this year. With everything else, I don't even have time to think about it. Not to mention the complete lack of a brilliant-feeling idea that could eventually evolve into a plot, characters, or 50k pseudo-philosophical ramble. I can't even write bad poetry these days.

I think it is my curse to do to other people the wrongs that have been done to me in the past, and the worst part is I never notice til it's too late.

Part of me would love to blame this year's procrastination and failure to be anything resembling a good student on my... let's call it "sociability"... and another part of me says that's rubbish, I'm an academic failure in any case. Although I still have 15 days to avert actual, literal, GPA-horrifying failure.

I'd much rather sit in my room and brood.

Or not, because worrying is giving me a stomachache (quite apart from the disgusting midnight snack I had, which isn't helping) and while I dread tomorrow, today isn't so fantastic either.

Can I just tune out for a while? Please?

I tried that today. Tried hiding in my room (everyone interrupted) and all I did was... worry. And since that failed, I have no idea how to fix it. Maybe God could. But He doesn't owe me anything, I've welched on all I owe him, and I'm probably going to hell anyway. A fine kettle of fish for a theology major.

I think my life ended when I decided to become a theology major. Oh, hindsight, thou art a heartless bitch. Of course, English is completely useless and Philosophy isn't my strong suit and History is full of people like that one guy I won't name but really dislike, and what else can you do at a liberal arts college besides business and God help me if I ever have to take accounting classes.

*headdesk*
-ouch-
repeat.


I just want to go home. Only not.